Hope and Prayers

I mentioned that sometimes I spit out words that I know people want/need to hear without feeling them.  One of my biggest fears is that my children will feel my lack of feeling.  I tell them I love them daily, and that I'm proud of them.  Of course, I want nothing more for them to feel loved and that their accomplishments aren't going unnoticed.  I guess that's where hope comes in.  We're told He makes up the difference.  I end each day with a prayer that He will let them feel what I don't. That He'll make up that difference.  

       On to that "hope"...to me it's a scary thing.  I don't like getting my hopes up, more often than not they are crushed.  I have recently realized that my "black and white" thinking probably creates unrealistic levels of hope.  "Black and white" = "All or nothing", right?  If I have a high hope, and maybe whatever I'm hoping for on some level comes to pass, then I guess I should be grateful.  I want to feel an overwhelming love for my kids..."all".  But sometimes I can't..."nothing".  If I have a day that I feel just a little bit of something good towards them, then that has to be ok.  It's not failure.  Maybe "hope" can't be what I want, or what my brain needs, but I guess it has to exist so I can hope that prayer at the end of the day on some level will fix anything I've broken in my kids that day.  I have to hope they'll forgive me for my short comings because they believe in His grace as well.  I have to hope that hope doesn't have to be "all or nothing".  Even a little change is hope coming to pass. I have to let it exist in gray areas, or else it's too easy to believe it doesn't exist at all.