Back and White

           In my first post, I wrote about MDD. I'd like to take a moment for BPD. It throws a little different twist into the mix. I want to be clear, I can only speak for myself, but in this post I'll say "us/we" instead of "me/I" because, well, it just makes it a little better if I'm not alone in this. At least right now, in a few hours maybe "alone" will be not only be ok, but welcomed. Not for the reason you like to be alone, but because no one on our side means it's easier to self destruct. We think very black and white. It's hard to see a gray area. We think people either love us or hate us. If they're talking to us at the moment, they love us. They leave the room and our minds go all over the place thinking they are thinking the worst of us, then they hate us. In those times of utter angst we'll push people away, "if you hate me, you won't care it I..." or "If no one will care or notice, I can..." Then we get through it and need your love, but feel so guilty and awful for pushing you away. We don't hate you. But for a moment, we wanted you to hate us. For me, I know what I'm doing, I see it. I know it's "wrong". It's a huge "back and forth" inner conflict that never stops. If I've learned anything, it's that controlling this is next to impossible. I'm grateful at this point I can recognize it for what it is. It doesn't always make it easier, but knowing "why" is half the battle. Hopefully if you have a sibling, friend, parent, or even yourself with this diagnosis, you will "see" them a little differently. A little better knowing it really isn't you they are hating at the moment, but themselves. Remember, people who are the hardest to love are the ones that need it the most.

          That all being said, I have a hard time seeing my relationship with my Heavenly Father differently than my earthly relationships. I know at times, as much as I want to feel His love, I've pushed it away. Or maybe it was easier to block it myself than have the possibility of it not being there. I don't have an answer on how to fix that one, as I'm still working on it. I will say, when I do His will, I have a better day. I'll admit sometimes I don't want to have a better day. Then I feel like He doesn't want to help me because I wouldn't help Him. I was told the other day that I "don't have to earn my way into His heart." Wow. That's a load off! I want to think that kind of love exists. I guess we'll all find out in the end. For now, I'll keep taking one day at a time. I'll keep trying to "see" Him, and help Him how I can.