I'm lying in bed, feeling...well, lousy. I have no reason to. I have everything I could need or want. I've had so many days of feeling guilty for being ungrateful. I must be if I'm so sad when I have so much, right? 2 nephi 2:25 states "Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy." Am I doing it wrong? I've heard so many times, "You can choose to be happy." I agree I can choose how I react to situations. I can choose to try to find the silver lining in whatever situation I'm in. But what happens when my brain chooses one thing, and my heart can't catch up? When my heart feels dead, and my brain says "but look, there's pretty flowers!" If there's an answer to this one, I haven't found it yet. I wish my brain had a bigger pull over my heart, but for me it just doesn't work that way.
So now there's a few things to do. Wait. Patience. Patience with myself. Patience with Him. It seems a pretty important quality and lesson. It must be, He gives us many lessons on patience. Sometimes that and prayer are the only things we can do. I can keep asking. And, as I wrote about in the last post, try not to have unrealistic levels of hope in that prayer. If tomorrow is any better, I can let that be an answer to my prayer. I won't be "fixed". This won't miraculously go away, He won't do that. But maybe He can help ease the pain. I can look, and try to "see" Him. Looking around me, and seeing His hand reaching out to those around me, helps me know that if I can't believe if for myself at this moment, He is there. He gave me that knowledge. My brain knows. When He "fixes" us all in the end, then maybe my heart will catch up. As a blind person's eyes will finally see, and a deaf person's ears will finally hear, my heart will feel whole. I guess all of this is wrapped up in a nice little ribbon of hope.
So now there's a few things to do. Wait. Patience. Patience with myself. Patience with Him. It seems a pretty important quality and lesson. It must be, He gives us many lessons on patience. Sometimes that and prayer are the only things we can do. I can keep asking. And, as I wrote about in the last post, try not to have unrealistic levels of hope in that prayer. If tomorrow is any better, I can let that be an answer to my prayer. I won't be "fixed". This won't miraculously go away, He won't do that. But maybe He can help ease the pain. I can look, and try to "see" Him. Looking around me, and seeing His hand reaching out to those around me, helps me know that if I can't believe if for myself at this moment, He is there. He gave me that knowledge. My brain knows. When He "fixes" us all in the end, then maybe my heart will catch up. As a blind person's eyes will finally see, and a deaf person's ears will finally hear, my heart will feel whole. I guess all of this is wrapped up in a nice little ribbon of hope.
Thank you so much for your blog. I've been where you're at. Hold on. There is hope. Hold on to the pictures God gives you. Remember, there is manna to be had, but it is found only in the wilderness. Your wilderness is harsh, but your manna will be so amazingly sweet.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for sharing! You have no idea just how many people you help!
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