Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Fighting the Fright

         I wish I could open up my gut like a door, and have someone reach in and quickly turn, twist, and tweak everything to make it feel less empty. They can do it with physical ailments, why not? How nice it would be to have such a quick fix. I have been struggling with trying come up with something uplifting to write, as I haven't felt particularly uplifting lately.  I don't like being a burden to those around me, though I constantly feel like I am.  I always feel like I owe them something for letting me in thier presence. I have to be the last to walk through a door, or enter a circle, or eat, because if there's not enough room, or food, then it's definitely everyone else that is more important and should have first dibs.  So, I don't ever want these posts to be a burden.  Couple that with an insane desire to inspire, uplift, and spread love and my head starts to spin.  Maybe someday...
          So often I want to just stomp my feet, and say "Life's not fair!" Let's face it, as adults we are just kids in older bodies.  It's so easy to want to throw a temper tantrum.  Life isn't fair.  Our parents told us, and we've learned it ourselves.  We yearn for things we'll never have, when others have an amazing amount of it and sometimes they don't even want it. We love people that don't love us back, or they can't see our love for them so they distance themselves.  We work hard for something for years that is taken away in a split second. People around us get ahead for being dishonest, while we remain where we are because we chose to do the "right" thing. It's easy to dwell on it, and want to give up, because we feel like we're never going to win. We lose ourselves in the fight to survive. We look back and realize we have transformed into someone else in the midst of life's challenges.  Sometimes that transformation results in someone so much better...stronger, and wiser.  For some, they are stretched a little more than they can bare, and break.   
         When I think of "Fight or Flight", I always think about a physical attack.  People run, or they fight.  I guess that term works for emotions and thoughts too.  We can fight them, or run from them.  If we run, will they always chase us? Will they ever get tired like a physical attacker would? If we fight them, can we beat them? I guess it depends on the tools we have.  We would have a fighting chance with a gun, or maybe even a baseball bat.  A pen would be really helpful to write a letter, but not so much to fight off a physical attack.  I know I don't have the tools I need to fight.  I know I have done the same things to fight this over and over...yep, it's insanity at it's best.  What I don't know is, why I can't get past my fear to go get those tools.  Apparently I'd rather sit down and write letters than go buy a gun.  I'd rather write a letter to brighten my attackers day, than burden the gun shop owner with my frantic emergency.  I probably need the gun shop owner to buy the gun, but I think I also need the gun stun the attacker enough to get to the gun shop.  
          So, nothing too uplifting today. Except a heartfelt "thanks" to those that listen and watch me go in circles.  Words can't even express the gratitude I have to you. 

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